Battle Wounds and the Creative Process

The voices in my head speak loudly

But they rarely speak the truth

Living with arms crossed and closed

Rather than open to the world

When is the right time to engage?

It is never the right time if you are constantly waiting for a receptive audience.

Are you waiting on them,

or creating an excuse,

to stay inside your shell?

Fearing a reaction that doesn't yet exist.

Nothing scarier that putting out your art

exposing just a bit of your heart

into the hands of others

to judge,

to shun,

to ridicule,

to ignore,

to...

to...

to...

Some, if not most, will ignore it

They don't have room to bring it in.

And that is perfectly fine, because

I have been there myself.

Everyone. Every day. Is fighting their own battles.

But perhaps ...

Giving this little bit of yourself

only grows in another's soul

It's not like you break off a piece and give it away, but rather

you share a piece that you still hold tight to - but now it is mutually held.

But maybe, just maybe ...

there is one or two, or five that

are willing to accept it or at least listen, with open ears

Who are willing to take this part of you

and make it a part of them.

And it will help them, too.

I am inspired today because someone

reached out to me, remembered me, thought of me

I was a little guarded at first, not ready to drop the wall

It caught me by surprise and I steered the conversation to small talk.

It is easy to forget the good things I've done

when I'm lost in the echoes

of the voices in my head

that don't always speak the truth.

"Ain't no lies like the lies you tell yourself."

But where is the outlet?

How do I reach others when we

Can't be in the same space,

Can't breath the same air,

Can't connect in person.

And live with the ever-present fear of not being able to read the room.

It has to be Book of the Face

But it feels diluted

It feels polluted

by posts that take my thoughts down avenues that I did not intend

and drains me of energy.

That sometimes takes minutes, hours, days, or weeks to recover

to get back on the road and continue the journey.

To continue the battle.

Battle Wounds and Combat Fatigue

aren't always from fighting a physical enemy

In fact (or in theory)

The enemy that does the most damage is

right between my ears

right behind the eyes in the mirror

buried in the chemical signals within my chest

Adrenaline Serotonin Epinephrine Dopamine

Melatonin Oxytocin Endorphins Cortisol

FIGHT or FLIGHT doesn't always mean

taking up arms or running for the hills,

sometimes it means you just pull up the blanket

over your head

and go back to sleep.

Unable to face the day and its invisible, but very real, monsters.

But maybe ...

it means that you get up

have a second cup of coffee

Breathe deeply

listen to your own breathing

and soldier on for another day

Aware that YOU are doing good things

The worst enemy is often within

but the best part is

that they are almost always willing

to call a cease fire

and sit down at the bargaining table.

JL 12/15/2020